


Okay to Not Be Okay

by theshizniiit



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Anxiety, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-16
Updated: 2014-10-16
Packaged: 2018-02-21 11:04:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 693
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2465945
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theshizniiit/pseuds/theshizniiit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Prompt:  “Every time Steve jumps off a building, Sam has a flashback to Riley falling.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Okay to Not Be Okay

It’s ridiculous. He’s a counselor and helps people with their problems. He should be over his.

Sam knows it’s ridiculous.

But that doesn’t stop it from giving him pangs of anxiety, guilt and fear every time it happens.

And it’s getting worse. 

It used be just when Steve jumped from someplace—usually someplace very high—that Sam’s throat would constrict and his muscles will lock up and his breath would be caught in his lungs and he wouldn’t be looking at Steve but at Riley—blown to bits in the air and fallingfallingfalling— and then he’d have nightmares for weeks.  
Now it was whenever Steve was anywhere but on the ground—where he should be—in Sam’s opinion, because at least on the ground he’s safe and can’t fall and can’t slip from Sam’s fingers and-

He’s aware his breakdowns are getting harder to hide. It’s getting harder coming back from each one every time. It’s gotten to the point where every time he closes his eyes he’s seeing Riley’s body—burnt and torn apart, missing pieces that should be there—falling from the sky.  
And there’s nothing Sam can do to stop it.

He knows that Steve and Riley are two different people. He knows that Steve can handle himself. Steve has taken bullets and explosions and knifes and pretty much everything and been fine the next day, stretching and yawning and asking Sam what was for breakfast with those sunny eyes and that grin.

So yeah, super soldiers are kind of resilient, Sam knows that.

But that doesn’t stop the panic, or the nightmares or the shaking hands or the fact that he’s falling apart whenever Steve is out of sight.

So when Steve leaps from a nearby building during one of their battles, it doesn’t matter to Sam’s anxiety or to his guilt or raging fear that Steve lands safely on one of Doctor Dooms robots, crushing it as he walks away unscathed.  
Sam panics, and realizing that he’s about two clicks from an episode, he bolts. The mission was over anyway and there’s nothing left for the Avengers to do, and Sam can’t have anyone see him fall apart like he’s about to.

But Steve sees.

Sam thinks he was bound to, eventually.

So he’s not entirely surprised that Steve finds him at the tower in record time, having one of the worst panic attacks of his life behind the counter in one of the many kitchens. Sam couldn’t even make it to the bedroom. His face burns in shame and embarrassment because he should have it together by now-

Sam’s shaking and he’s vaguely aware of the tears running down his face and he’s numb and he can’t move or breathe-

He doesn’t want Steve-or anyone, seeing him like this. He can control it, he swears, he just needs time-

Steve is kneeling next to him, and Sam can’t hear what he’s saying over the pounding of his own head and his throat gasping for air but then Steve is moving in close and he’s holding him and rubbing circles into his back and murmuring something Sam can’t hear at the moment.

Eventually Sam calms enough to stutter a 'sorry’, and Steve sighs before hugging him tightly and kissing him and whispering, “Never be sorry for hurting. That’s not something you need to apologize for, Sam.”

It occurs to Sam dully that he should have known that, being a VA counselor and all, but then Steve maneuvers them into a more comfortable position, Sam’s back to his front as Sam sits between his legs on the floor of the kitchen. He can feel Steve’s breathing, feels his chest solid and there behind him and he calms further.

"I knew something was wrong," Steve says, voice soft, "I just didn’t know what."

Sam is silent. He feels Steve wrap his arms around him and place his forehead on his neck. He’s a bit stunned by how comforting it is.

"You’re not okay Sam, and that’s okay," Steve murmurs into his skin,"But please let me help."

He feels Steve kiss the back of his neck softly and whispers, “Okay.”

**Author's Note:**

> Unbeta'd so all mistakes are my own.


End file.
